I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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