ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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