it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
