you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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