he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Randomize
