I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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