i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
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Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
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I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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