oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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