I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
