you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
