My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
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