don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just gargled with NyQuil
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
