I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
