batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
