I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
