it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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