someone threw a dead crab at me
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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