I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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