by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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