I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
