somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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