Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
