New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
