The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
