The maid of honor just puked.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Randomize
