Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
