I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
