I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
