and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
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