i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
