How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
