hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
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Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
PS: I just woke up from my shower
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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