Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
