how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
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I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
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if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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