Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
