I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
