your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
