I need to stop coming to work sober
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
