i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
