You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
