K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
