Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
