You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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