you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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