come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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