3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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