new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
