I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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