Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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