why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm bleeding and have questions
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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