Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
