Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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