i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
