He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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